Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
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Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew