[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
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due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
When a celebrity dies, who’s the helpful psychopath that immediately changes all the “is”s to “was”s on their Wikipedia page?
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that