Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.