ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
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4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.