I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
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Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
See..?
.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here