Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
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wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl鈥檚 purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I鈥檝e never dated a rich girl before.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I鈥檓 not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
Who.
Did.
This?
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
ME: hello I鈥檇 like to return this body. it鈥檚 defective.
GOD: I鈥檓 sorry but your warranty has expired
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I鈥檓 in less] and Easy 馃檪
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can鈥檛 believe he did it. I wasn鈥檛 even sick.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
lmfao come on
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.