got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
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Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
The cartoon character I most resemble is Jessica Rabbit.
I’m kidding, it’s Betty Boop.
Okay, Hello Kitty.
Fine. Miss Piggy.
Ursula.
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.