I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
My grandma got this digital frame that all the family can remotely upload pics. I’m thinking of flooding it with John Wick pictures.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.