Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
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Thinking about Jeff
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Got him!
not for long
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.