[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
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Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
how to have fun when you’re poor
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.