Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”