I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
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Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Oh you’re a Football fan? Okay then name 3 of their albums. Yeah. That’s what I thought.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb