just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
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*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub