When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
You Might Also Like
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK