friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
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I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.