I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
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[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.