Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
You Might Also Like
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
fixed it
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous