First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
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Why is this me 😫
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???