5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
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If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
…u ok Nintendo?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
ok this is my dumbest yet
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”