Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
You Might Also Like
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
It would be so creepy if instead of crying, babies were born laughing.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Buying a well is money well spent.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*