Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
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[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
my mom making me talk to relatives
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
is this store having a stroke wtf
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance