john wicks are toilet candles
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.