My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
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Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
sliding into dms like
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?