Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
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Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Double negatives are never not confusing.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
BETRAYAL
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day