Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
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Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
We’ve come full circle
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money