Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado