Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Leaving the Barbers like
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.