It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
how long have you had this for?
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.