[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
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Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
gentlemen, hear me out
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse