salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
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“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
How about daylight saves us for once
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?