I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
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Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT