WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The French word for sex is croissant.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!
AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!
WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Guy who likes music
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse