My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
You Might Also Like
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto