“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
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GOD: ask me anything
ME: why aren’t there middlecase letters?
GOD: *reaching for a button labeled “flood the earth again”*
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit