If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
You Might Also Like
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
HR said no more nunchucks.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying