Fiction has to make sense.
You Might Also Like
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Challenge accepted.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.