🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
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I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
couldn’t resist
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation