Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
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My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”