Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
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It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
mathematically impossible
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Damn he played himself
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension