‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
describing stardew valley
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.