Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
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The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
So the ex texted me
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life