Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
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me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If you breakdance you buy dance.