WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
You Might Also Like
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.