No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
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[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen