No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
You Might Also Like
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I put the h in mysterious.
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
🤭😂
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend