*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
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HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[loses house key, starts a new life]
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.