Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
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Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
How it started: How it’s going:
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.