Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
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Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.