Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
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If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
sleeping beauty
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.