If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
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I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Guys: I’m educated about female issues.
Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger